Written Dec. 15, 2011...
Last week, Michelle Dugger, reality star and super-mom to 19 kids made the heart-breaking announcement that she suffered a miscarriage. While I usually steer clear of the "comments" section of online articles, I was compelled to read the general publics reaction. I was expecting some negative comments but wow, I was blown away by the level if insensitivity I came across. After my initial shock (and yes, I should know better then to be shocked), I realized a deeper truth. The mean spirited comments or the empathy/sympathy, had very little to do with Michelle Dugger. It had everything to do with us, our own stories, our own pain or fears. In the interest of honesty, I can admit that after reading of her loss my mind did not immediately think of the heartbreak of the family. No, instead my hand immediately touched my stomach and I could only wonder if my baby's heart was still beating. It was no longer her miscarriage but mine. I then went back to the comments and realized that everyone else had done the same. It wasn't about her....it was about the heartache of a woman who dreamed of having just one child or the thought of "what ifs" by mothers that felt blessed or the fear of those that are expecting. While I know my insight isn't some great revelation, I found comfort in knowing I wasn't alone. Do we often take tragic news and twist it inwards to make it about us and not the real victims?
Today I was able to hear our baby's heartbeat and it sounded more beautiful than before. It was no longer my heartbreak...the tragic story was given back to its rightful owner. The medical community considers any pregnant woman over the age of 35 to be "at risk." It makes no difference of how young I feel or how good my health is, I will spend my entire pregnancy with a underlying feeling of fear. Thankfully I am running around in circles so much that I only have sporadic moments here and there where I focus on it.
For the most part I am so amazed by Lil Man Jack that I have little time to think of anything else.Jack is truly becoming a little boy. Each morning he looks just a tiny bit bigger. Each day I notice something new in his development. He has started getting a little snuggly which is like a slice of heaven on a buttered croissant. His attention span is increasing and he is diligently working on his fine motor skills. Today he had his first real attempt of building with blocks.
He is also started to put more syllables together but has really only mastered "Da-Da" which is fine with daddy.As for the house...well...we are anxiously awaiting the new flooring. Brian managed to paint 70% of the house during his week off which is insanely impressive. I actually completed a major project...kitchen cabinet refinishing...and now just have the rest of the kitchen to work on. Before and after pics coming next week!With most of our major projects out of the way I have been able to focus on Christmas. Jack's 1st Christmas! Since we aren't in the new house and all of our holiday stuff is in storage we have improvised. Thankfully, my mother is the queen of holiday decorating and spread the holiday cheer to us while we were busy with the house. I am starting to step up and did manage to hang some stockings. :).
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